The Stromwall's

We just got back from our first marriage retreat with our home church, Bethlehem Baptist.  It was so rich with help, grace, and hope.  Guest speaker, Paul Tripp, provided marriage saving perspective as well as an unbelievable sense of humor!  We laughed, cried, hung out with other couples, and spent quality time together and with other couples.

One thing Nick and I have both come to agree upon is that marriage undeniably reveals areas of sin and idolatry in our hearts that we kept easily hidden before entering into this intimate of a relationship.   It has exposed selfishness to its utmost destructive core.  Marriage has also exposed God’s mercy in its most flooding power.  We can drink so deeply from the well of Jesus!   That is why we also agree that marriage is the sweetest gift of grace for both of us because of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It allows us to see what we couldn’t see before, it forces us to evaluate our hearts and helps us to repent freely of sin so much more frequently.  Our view of our own sin has increased so greatly since being married, which is a HUGE blessing!  Why? Because it makes the cross of Jesus Christ THAT much bigger and His grace is THAT much more abundant than we ever dreamed.  We are truly in love with our savior, whose mercy continues mold us.

We got to get dressed up all fancy for our "Banquet of Love" on Sat. night- so fun!

Through being real and honest with people in our couples group (not always easy!), which meets regularly once a week, Nick and I have truly become exposed not only to each other, but to these six other sweet friends.  They have loved us, seen us at our worst moments, prayed for us, counseled us, and rejoiced with us as the Lord has truly transformed the dynamics of our marriage relationship in the past year!  Without close Christian community and without allowing ourselves to be known by them, we don’t believe that this much change could have been produced in just one year.  We so easily could have hid our marriage behind closed doors, but God has called us out of darkness and into light.  We don’t have to justify, blame, or hide.  We can come into the light because Jesus died for us.  He bore our blame. And He provides Christian fellowship to walk through the muddy waters. That’s why Paul Tripp says that change is a COMMUNITY project- and boy is he right.  Without community that we can be real and gut-level honest with, we are all sinking fast and true change of the heart does not really happen.

Paul Tripp says marriage problems are heart problems. Nick and I are discovering that the outward behavior patterns in our lives are not the problem in our marriage.  All of these things are outward reflections of inward realities in our hearts.  Jesus is not concerned with fixing the behavior patterns in our lives. Rather, he invites us in gently to be honest and real, to confess what’s on our hearts.  All so that He can restore us to himself and give us all of His love and mercy for our sin.  THEN we have the grace and the gospel to work on our marriage.

How can this happen?  Paul Tripp offers some things to think about and life-changing principles we feel incredibly grateful to have received.  We would be selfish not to share.

Three common and unresolving ways people deal with problems in marriage:

1.Threat

2. Manipulation

3.  Guilt

Here is what Paul Tripp has to say…

Principle 1: A marriage of unity, understanding, and love is not rooted in romance, but in worship.

• Jesus wants us to live from the heart
• Romance is the result of something, not the foundation of something
• Worship is your identity- not just on Sunday
• Our actions and words are controlled by what is in our hearts (Luke 6:45)
• We need to be willing to say, “I am my biggest marriage problem.”

Principle 2: Sin causes us to shrink our lives to the size of our lives.

• The DNA of sin is selfishness- which is anti- social- but we were created to live an outward life.
• Because of sin, we carry around something that’s destructive to relationships
• Much of what we call love isn’t love
• Physical attraction is not love
• Wives:  You do not need a husband who loves you (though this would be a gift of grace to pray for)
• Husbands: You do not need a wife who respects you (though this would be a gift of grace to pray for)
• Some women are powerfully attracted to a man- because she is powerfully attracted to herself- or vise versa- NOT a solid foundation for marriage
• Physical attraction is not a foundation for financial problems, it will not sustain any problems in your marriage
• Some women- you have whipped your man into shape. He knows his boundaries and what happens when he crosses them and its not pretty- Tha’ts NOT marriage, that’s NOT unity

Principle 3: Marriage, this side of heaven, is always a war between two kingdoms

Questions for Reflection:

• What is happening in the little moments of your marriage?
• How much is anti-social selfishness and isolation pushing you away from unity in your marriage?
• Look back over a couple of weeks and scan your irritation.
  • What have you made important that isn’t?
• Think about the places you’ve argued
  • Why do you get mad at him/her?
  • Does he/she get in your way?
• How flexible are you?
• What do you do with the sin/weaknesses of your spouse?
• Imagine you are a paintbrush, your spouse is the canvas
  • Where do your bristles need to be softened?
• Are you stepping toward your brokenness or away from it?
• If you are only loving “deserving” people, who are you really loving?
• Do you love to BE loved or do you love because you have BEEN loved by God?
• What actually is important to you?

Final Thoughts…

• You don’t have to indulge your anger, thoughts, or sin like its your master
• Fix marriage vertically before you fix it horizontally.
  • What do you need to talk to God about?  Do you need to confess, repent, and receive abundant grace and freedom?
• True love is not born out of duty but out of gratitude
• How much you love God is reflected in how much you love those closest to you in your lives
• Love = willing self sacrificing for the good of another that does not demand reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving
• Love requires sacrifice
• Love doesn’t throw your brokenness in your face, it doesn’t bring it up again, it celebrates the transformation of Jesus
• Christ-like love is the most powerful love in the universe
• Wives: move towards your husband in his weakest moment with grace instead of walking away in the silent treatment
• To believe in God, you have to believe

1. He is creator
2. He is sovereign
3. He is savior

• We reject God as creator when we fail to see the glory in how he created our spouse
• We curse God’s sovereignty when we don’t accept our marriage story we have been given
• We only believe in him as savior when we need a savior, when we confess in repentance our desire for His transforming grace in our lives.  He can wash us and our marriages white as snow!
• When you celebrate God as sovereign, creator and savior- you begin to move towards your spouse with patience, grace and hope.